Healing my mind, body and soul after a miscarriage
Wednesday the 26th October my life and my body changed forever. I had a miscarriage. If you haven't already, go back and read my previous blog here post detailing my entire experience. This blog post is a detailed explanation of my recovery and the internal shift that has occurred within me as a result of the miscarriage.
As soon as the doctor said to me “you can start trying to conceive again once the bleeding has stopped” a fire was lit. I thought “nup you have to be joking, are women actually being told this everyday? This is what is wrong with the medical system, it fails to take into account the holistic picture”. It was at that moment that I was determined to put everything I know about holistic health and nutrition into practice, and learn and research more about pregnancy and infant loss so that I could recover myself and then go on to help others who have been through similar experiences. However, as the days went on I actually questioned whether I was worthy enough to have this business and help women have a healthy pregnancy! Honestly, this hit me hard. If I couldn't maintain a healthy pregnancy, how in the world could I possibly help other women and expect women to take on my advice and recommendations? But I came to realise that this was my ego talking, and I had 2 options, I could choose to hide it and pretend that it never happened or I could embrace it and use my experience to support women through their own loss. I obviously decided to take the second option. My hope is that by sharing my experience we as a society will be a little bit closer to being able to speak more openly and break the stigma surrounding pregnancy and infant loss, including termination.
Mind and soul recovery
For the first few days I let myself grieve, I got angry, I cried, I questioned the health of my body and I questioned the direction of my life. As important as it is to heal and move on, it’s also just as important to let yourself feel and grieve. On the 4th day I was ready to start taking steps to heal, I for the first time in a long time felt drawn to and opened some of my crystal books for guidance and clarity. The following day I went and bought a number of new crystals, which I used to meditate and journal with for the next 30 days (I'm not really sure why I chose 30 days, it was just a number that came to me and felt right at that moment, so I went with it). I bought 2 moonstones for fertility and feminine energy, a carnelian crystal for courage, vitality and joy, a black onyx to release pain and fears, and a smokey quartz to help overcome negative energies. Everyday I meditated holding a moonstone, while I placed the carnelian on my belly button and the black onyx and smokey quartz either side of my uterus and womb creating a triangle, this is a ritual that I adapted from the book Crystal Muse. Some days I would lay there meditating for just 5 minutes and others 15 minutes, I simply went with what my body needed at that time. I also journaled consistently everyday for 30 days. Some days nothing would come up about the miscarriage and other days I coudln’t think about anything else. I feel that this was the best thing I could have done during this time and for my recovery, because it gave me the space to feel and think about the things that I might have otherwise pushed down and ignored, and it taught me things about myself that would've otherwise gone unnoticed. This was paramount in my mental recovery.
Physical recovery
The first few days I was pretty down and questioned if my healthy lifestyle was even worth it. I drank more coffee than I should have, had the Cadbury chocolate and chose the easy dinner option. Once the physical pain started to ease around day 5 I could think more clearly and started nourishing myself more by putting my knowledge into action. I began by being intentional with taking my Foraged For You prenatal supplement, for a few reasons. Firstly, it contains grass fed beef liver which is naturally high in iron, and seeing as I was bleeding excessively I knew that I needed to replenish this. It also contains natural sources of magnesium that helps to ease cramps, which I was getting a lot of. Secondly, I kept taking it because I know that it is best practice to take your prenatal supplement for at least 3 months before trying to conceive, and even though in that moment it was the last thing I was thinking about I knew that I wanted to be prepared for when we decided to start trying again in the near future. I also took a magnesium supplement for about 2 weeks to help manage the cramping and pain, this was the only form of pain relief that I chose to take.
In terms of food, I started having bone broth everyday from about day 5 to 20 because bone broth is anti-inflammatory, supports the immune system and can help soothe an upset stomach, which I was experiencing (you can download my bone broth recipe here). I also became conscious of including more liver in my meals for about the first month, it is seriously the ultimate superfood. As mentioned it is extremely high in iron but also rich in vitamin A, B12, D3 and K2, folate, choline and zinc, and given how run down, depleted and undernourished I felt I knew I needed this superfood more than ever. Additionally, I became focused on my hydration. During labour, postpartum and when menstruating the uterus is contracting, it works like any other muscle and needs adequate hydration and electrolytes to contract efficiently, and given that my body was working overtime trying to expel all of the tissue from my uterus I knew that it was essential that I stayed hydrated while bleeding. Along with bone broth and water I also drank lots of coconut water and made my own hydrating drinks and icy poles (you can download the recipes here).
During this time I didn’t feel like exercising at all, though I continued to walk my dog each day because I always feel better when I move my body. Then, on day 8 I felt drawn to do some more movement so I started doing some light stretches and yoga at home. It wasn’t until the bleeding stopped and I started to get some energy back that I went back to the gym and began running a little bit, this was more than 2 weeks after the miscarriage started.
I was doing really well and was starting to feel healthy again when The Universe decided to throw me another curve ball. Just 18 days after I stopped bleeding my period arrived, and it was one of the heaviest periods that I have ever had! During this time Paige was also not sleeping very well so I was feeling extra tired and drained, as a result lots of big feelings came up. I cried again, many times, and for the first time during this experience I really felt like a failure. Before this the feelings were more about questioning myself and the physical aspects of a miscarriage but now I was feeling like a failure as a mum. I couldn't get Paige to sleep and I couldn't maintain a pregnancy. I also questioned my role as a wife and questioned my ability to run this business. For those few days I struggled to get out of the funk, I wanted to cry and run away. It sounds extreme now thinking back on it, but I know that this was an important part of my healing journey.
Finally, as taboo as the talk of loss and miscarriage is, so is the talk about sex and intimacy with yourself and with a partner. This experience had me feeling very disconnected to my feminine energy, I felt stuck in my masculine unable to fully sink into my sexy, feminine and goddess self. Something that I would never have predicted and have not struggled with before. But as I processed this I realised that it really shouldn't surprise me, being pregnant and giving birth is an extremely feminine and sensual experience and I had just ‘failed’ at this, it was no wonder that I wanted to hide and run away from this side of myself. Everynight I put oil on my body after a shower and I use this time to sink into my body and appreciate my sexy feminine side, but during this time it had become robotic and I guess for a lack of a better word, numb. It took me a while to realise this and to find my feminine energy. Once I became aware of these feelings I started being more intentional with my evening body oil, I started diffusing essential oils like clary sage, got out of clothes that were keeping me in my masculine and started wearing things that made me feel more sensual and in my body, but this is most definitely a working progress.
As I write this it is 42 days since it all started. I feel that my body, mind and soul are well on their way to healing, overall I'm feeling pretty good. Though, am I ready to start trying for another baby right now? No, not quite, but I am still taking my prenatal supplement and an activated folate (find out more about why and how to choose a prenatal supplement here), Josh is taking a zinc supplement and we are both taking an omega 3 DHA supplement so that we are prepared for when we decide to start trying again (zinc and omega 3’s have been shown to improve both sperm and egg quality).
Socially I'm still feeling very withdrawn, the thought of attending Christmas parties and being in big crowds, at the moment feels like my worst nightmare. I'm in a phase of life where I just want to go inward, initially I tried to push through it but now I am enjoying the quiet and know that it is just a phase.
Given how I feel now and all of the work I put into getting here I am even more amazed and annoyed that the medical system can just turn around and say “once the bleeding stops you are right to get back in the sack” like nothing ever happened!! I now know first hand that it is not that simple and it is not how we should be treating women and their families! Watch this space because big things are coming in terms of holistic care for women who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss.
